How to Support a Loved One with Depression Without Losing Yourself

Christin Montoya, LCSW's avatar

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Christin Montoya, LCSW

, it is important for you to have your own self-care system in place to help you manage your own thoughts when trying to help your loved one.

The first thing you need to know:
Your loved one’s depression is not your fault.

It’s natural to wonder if you’ve done something wrong, but depression has a physiological basis—a mix of brain chemistry, environment, and circumstances. Taking on responsibility for their depression can leave you overwhelmed by guilt and shame, making it harder to provide the support they need.

Understanding Depression Without Blame

Depression can feel deeply personal.
You might feel blamed, or even guilty if you’ve hurt your loved one in the past. Maybe you’ve battled depression yourself.

Here’s what’s key to remember:
Depression lies.
It convinces people they’re worthless, unlovable, and hopeless.

One of the best tools you can arm yourself with is knowing:
Feelings are temporary. They are not facts.
Being in a stable, grounded place yourself will allow you to be the best support possible.

Step 1: Take Care of Yourself First

Before you can help anyone else, stop and ask yourself:

What’s my plan to take care of ME?

Supporting someone through depression requires patience, energy, and compassion—all of which are impossible if you’re depleted.

Self-Care Ideas:

  • Join a support group or find a therapist.
    Processing your own emotions helps you stay grounded.
  • Set healthy boundaries.
    Be clear on what you can and can’t do. Empower your loved one to take responsibility where possible.
  • Engage in activities you love.
    Don’t forget hobbies, creativity, or fun.
  • Get outside daily.
    Sunshine and fresh air boost mental health.
  • Practice gratitude.
    Try jotting down one thing you’re grateful for each day.
  • Journal.
    Writing thoughts down provides clarity and perspective.
  • Meditate or pray.
    Regular reflection keeps you calm.
  • Spend time with people who lift you up.
    Recharge your energy.

Important reminder:
Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s essential.
You’ll also be modeling healthy behavior for your loved one.

Step 2: Describe, Don’t Diagnose

Rather than labeling your loved one as “depressed,” focus on describing specific behaviors you notice.

Example:
Instead of saying:
“You’re really depressed today.”
Say:
“I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating or showering much this week. How are you feeling?”

This approach:

  • Opens the door for honest conversation
  • Avoids making assumptions
  • Separates their behavior from their identity

Common Depression Symptoms:

  • Feeling sad, empty, guilty, or hopeless
  • Irritability or frequent tearfulness
  • Loss of interest in activities
  • Sleep disturbances (insomnia or oversleeping)
  • Appetite changes
  • Low energy or fatigue
  • Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
  • Restlessness or slowed movements
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

⚠️ If your loved one expresses suicidal thoughts, treat it as an emergency: Call 988 or 911 immediately.

Step 3: Help with Basic Needs

When depression hits hard, basic tasks can feel impossible. This isn’t laziness—it’s part of the illness.

How You Can Help:

  • Forgetfulness:
    Be patient when they lose focus. Offer to temporarily handle practical tasks like bills.
  • Hopelessness:
    Gently remind them that emotions come and go. Stay encouraging without being pushy.
  • Indecisiveness:
    Ask if they’d like help making small decisions temporarily.
  • Sleep disruption:
    Recognize the domino effect poor sleep has—avoid shaming.
  • Loss of appetite:
    Prepare meals they enjoy and offer without pressure.
  • Hygiene and chores:
    Encourage them to shower. Offer practical help like washing laundry.

Two Crucial Rules:

  1. Offer help out of love, never frustration.
    Avoid shaming, blaming, or lecturing.
  2. Set time-limited boundaries.
    Example:
    “I’ll help you with [specific task] this week while you focus on getting support.”

Check in with yourself often.
If resentment creeps in, that’s a sign it’s time to adjust boundaries and prioritize your own needs.

Step 4: Express Empathy, Not Solutions

One of the hardest—but most powerful—things you can do is to sit with your loved one’s pain without trying to fix it.

Avoid common “quick-fix” phrases like:

  • “This too shall pass.”
  • “Just stay positive.”
  • “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”

While well-intentioned, these can feel dismissive.

Instead:

  • Sit beside them.
  • Listen without judgment.
  • Offer physical comfort if welcomed (a hug, hand on shoulder).
  • Let them cry or vent.

Presence is more healing than advice.

Step 5: Love Without Judgment (For Them & Yourself)

Your loved one needs grace, patience, and time to heal.

They may be frustrated with themselves already—you don’t need to pile on judgment. Let them move at their own pace.

But don’t forget: you deserve grace, too.

There will be moments you lose patience, get frustrated, or wish they’d “snap out of it.” That’s normal.

When it happens:

  • Apologize if needed.
  • Reflect.
  • Recalibrate your self-care.
  • Try again tomorrow.

Final Thoughts: Walk Beside Them, Don’t Carry Them

Supporting someone through depression is an act of deep love and compassion. But it is not your job to fix them.

Professional mental health care is essential for true healing.

Your role is to:

  • Care for yourself
  • Set healthy boundaries
  • Offer empathy
  • Model self-care
  • Love without judgment

Christin Montoya, LCSW

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